okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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