she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
