Someone shit on the floor
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
