then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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