ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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