last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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