Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
