Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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