this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
