Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
