Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
