Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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