Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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