Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
