my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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