I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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