My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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