he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
