Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
