i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
