put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
