when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
