3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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