i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
