There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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