I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
40s are totally the cure
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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