Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
