false alarm. still invincible.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
