so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
