My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
