I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
