im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
