I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
