Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
