The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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