saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
