Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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