I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
