Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
