I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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