What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
