I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
