All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
