Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
