if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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