Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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