My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
