Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
