I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
