drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
