it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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