Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
