Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
