oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
