4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Boobs speak an international language.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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