one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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