she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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