I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
