Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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