Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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